Watching For Hope At My Window
I woke up one morning and started my day as usual doing something I loved, teaching and being with children. Teaching was the one place I really felt my heart belonged. Also going to college was my time to reach for a dream, I thought had died long ago.
Then one day it all changed; one late parent, one car, and one careless moment. I found myself in pain, I thought my foot was broken in pieces, OH GOD the PAIN! The doctor said my foot was fine and nothing was broken, “Go home and rest, all will be okay“. Then weeks and months passed by and the PAIN was worse than before, but no one believes me “you’re making this up” they say in whispers and I can see in their looks. They think I do not see or hear them.
The BURNING, the restless ache, the glass and razors that seems to be under my foot. Will I ever walk again or sleep? Someone please HELP! Stop this pain in my foot. It is so swollen, so black and blue, so ice-cold and burning hot all at once…. how can this be? Why is this happening to me? The wind… it is like a knife and my once soft haven of sleep is now sharp barbs rubbing across my foot and leg, making sleep impossible. Why do I even try to sleep anymore? It never comes to me. I sit at the window looking out at the world, a world that seems to be slipping away from me. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? My job… they say I should be better by now, that it is all in my head and that if I just would try I could put my foot down and walk. I wish they could try on my foot like a shoe and walk on it. Then they would understand.
Worker Compensation who are they? They are people in a far away land not to be found. Not by phone, email or letter they are just a name, that doesn’t even sound like a real company to me. If there is no help to come from them, then WHO? Who will help me? I have been left abandoned with no doctors to see me, no money, and no job. This is crazy, all this madness who took me out of my life and put me here? Oh now I remember, it was all thanks to a careless woman, her car, and the oh so wonderful world of Workers Comp…Whatever ☹
Then finally a glimmer of hope which came in the form of a doctor, not just any doctor… one who believes my words!! He offered me something no one ever had. When he looked at me his eyes told me he had something for me, HOPE! I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but his hope helped push me. So I followed his lead. Procedures involving needles in my back, ouch MORE PAIN, but I do them. It is supposed to help me, so I do it…. I cling to watching my hope, but nothing is helping yet… Pills, more needles in my back, burning of my nerve… it is only adding to my PAIN, but I still have hope. I see my hope out my window, but it is just out of my reach…. then Physical Therapy; three times a week, three hours each day. I still have hope it will work, but it does not help just like everything I’ve tried before. My hope is still there I can see it, it’s just further away now and a little faded.
I start down the path of pills (a path I was determined not to go down) but hope won out again. I took the stronger pills, surgery for a machine, and a pain pump….WHAT did I just do? I told myself I would never go so far that I would get better, that my injury was not so awful, that I would need a MACHINE inside me to help my pain, but hope wins again. There was my doctor putting those awful thing inside of me. He held my hand and said he would take good care of me. He sliced my back open to put in wires, a battery and a pump. When I got home from the first procedure I passed out from the pain and they swept me away to the ER. There I was treated like a drug addict looking for a fix, the doctors and nurses looking at me like I was crazy. “RSD what is that?” they said.
Where is my wonderful doctor who had given me this hope, who had promised to see me through it all? Where was he when I need him the most? He was locked away, locked behind a wall of phones and people who speak for him. Does he know the unbearable pain I am in? Does he care? Does anyone care? I sit and watch in pain from my window and the world is going on without me, leaving me behind. Trapped in time, frozen with my hope disappearing becoming smaller every day… I can barely see it now, it is just so small.
Time is going by and procedures are being DENIED by people who know nothing about me or my pain. They only care about their money and how they are determined not to pay out any benefits. Not only for me, but for everyone stuck in this ignorant non-working system. So who am I now? Where is the person I used to be, that strong woman who had dreams, and places to go? Now it’s all fading with each passing day. Small pieces fall from me, never to be recovered and put back the way they were before this whole mess started. Who have I now become? Just a whisper of the woman, teacher, mother, wife, and friend I once was. I am lost inside this chronic pain condition called RSD/CRPS. I am swimming in a sea of pills, crutches, walkers, doctors, therapists, case managers, lawyers and BIG INSURANCES COMPANIES. They all have no idea what it is like to feel what I am feeling.
Because of one brief moment in time? I look back on that moment all the time, it constantly replays itself and I think “If I had just”….. But the once happy life I knew is gone and I must endure my pain in silence, put on a happy smile for the world. My family deserves more from me than I can deliver. I am useless like this…. This pain is winning, eating me up little by little until there isn’t going to be anything left…. except a crippled up something for someone else to care for. How can I be a mother, wife, woman …when I am such a burden? I am supposed to be the one taking care of them not the other way around! THIS IS ALL JUST WRONG!!!! Will this ever end? What am I to do now? I have no choice, but to wait while life goes by without me, wait and watch while hope flies past my window.
Have you sat watching for hope and remained hopeful throughout your diagnosis? Please comment in the section below.
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