Having CRPS and Learning To Lie Or Pretend That “You’re Fine”
Having CRPS and Learning To Lie Or Pretend That “You’re Fine”– I have learned to lie, lie like no one could lie. I don’t lie about anything bad. I am not talking about lying about serious things like cheating on a spouse, but I have learned to lie about my physical self. I have learned to lie that I am not having a bad pain day, that I would rather go to bed then have to get up and do anything. I have learned to lie that I would rather cry then force the smile I have on my face.
Having chronic pain of any kind forces a person to lie. We all have to learn that just because we are feeling horrible, that the world isn’t going to stop turning just because of it. We have learned that lying is easier than having to explain to someone why it is noon and you are still in your pajamas or in bed. We have to learn to lie if we want to do anything. I have days when I would rather stay home and not go to work, but I have to. No bill collector or grocery store cares that you were having a bad pain flare so you couldn’t go to work today. You can’t tell your child that “sorry, mommy hurts to bad to feed you today. Can you starve?”
Lying when you have chronic pain becomes a new normal, it is just like you learning to smile when you have tears welling up. It is a new normal for pretty much everything. I have had my doctor tell me so many times that if she really didn’t know how much pain I was really in, that she would never know that I had anything wrong with me. I have had co-workers say that if I wasn’t quiet on bad pain days, or once in a while make a quiet moan just from moving, that they wouldn’t have a clue that I have a disabling disease. I have learned to lie so well about my pain, that unless I say something, my family wouldn’t know that I was hurting bad.
Lying has made it so that specialists didn’t know that I had bones that resembled Swiss cheese, or muscles that are atrophied, or the worst is the tendons that have detached, until they look at my scans. We all have to learn to lie, or so it doesn’t sound so bad, pretend that we are okay or not in horrible pain. I go to work everyday in horrible pain, but I lie about how I am really feeling so that I don’t make people around me uncomfortable.
I can tell the days that my pain is off the charts cause I can’t think straight. Those are the days that I have to take a little longer to do things just so I don’t screw something up horribly. Those are the days I want to tell certain co-workers that I really don’t care what they want or that they are the most obnoxious, horrible people but I can’t. I have to lie. I have to lie about how I am really feeling cause I don’t t want them to think that I am using my disease as an excuse or that I am not capable of doing my job. Those are the days that I come home and tell my family that I am sorry, but I can’t make them dinner or I can’t do anything for them cause mom is in too much pain to even care. But I don’t. I push on and I “LIE”.
Does anyone else understand this?
For more info about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome/CRPS click here.
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