A Mother’s Fear |
My Daughter Battling Chronic Pain
A Mother’s Fear – Today is the first day in almost four years; I have had a night to myself. As I sit here in a empty house, I hear nothing but silence. I am BEYOND thankful this night has finally come. Monday June 6, 2016 marks a very important date in our lives…a day in which determination, hope, faith and courage has overcome such a debilitating disease. I am overjoyed, as I watched my daughter walk out of the house, get in car, and wave goodbye to me to do her first 7:00 PM to 7:00AM shift. This is the start of her career where she eventually becomes one of the best and most compassionate nurses ever to walk the planet. I am relieved because I was able to quit my second job (waiting tables) for the first time in four years because my daughter can financially provide for herself. However, in the midst of all the greatness and good, there is still a feeling of uneasiness that will forever be a part of my life….FEAR.
Even though things seem to be going in the right direction for my daughter, we realize that in a blink of an eye that RSD/CRPS can always overcome and latch on in such a way that it will shut down your life without a moments notice. One minute, you are at a level 2 pain scale and the next second you are at a level ten and above. There is no rhyme or reason to this trickery of a disease. I consistently have my phone in my hand. Furthermore, I am consistently hoping with all my might that it does not ring. I hear my phone ping with a text and I pray that it’s not a text from my daughter saying how much pain she is in. I fear one day everything that McKenzie has worked so damn hard for will be gone.
For the past four years, I have heard screams of pain and felt an endless pit in my stomach of helplessness. Now as life is slowly returning back to normal and as I sit in silence, I still hear screams of pain… “MOM PLEASE HELP ME” even though she is not here. The horrifying screams of pain, that I have had to endure will always be echoed in my mind. Sometimes, I wake in the middle of the night to the screams of my daughter only to run to her room and find her sleeping soundly in her bed. NOTHING will ever be able to erase the blood curdling screams of pain, I have listened to day in and day out year after year. The cries of a child that paralyzes a mother in fear and helplessness, only to hope that over time they will begin fade and be replaced with sounds of joy and laughter once again.
When you are a parent, caretaker, spouse of someone with RSD you will be overcome with two feelings that will monopolize your mind as long as the day is long. FEAR and HOPE. Fear… you fear EVERYTHING.. you fear that your child will experience this pain for the rest of their life and you HOPE that is does not. You fear that when their RSD goes into remission that it will come back ten times stronger and you hope that it doesn’t. You fear that the doctors that you have worked so tirelessly to find will not be there one day and you hope that they will always be there. FEAR and HOPE, FEAR and HOPE.. day in and day out. These two feelings will overtake your life when your loved one has RSD. The smallest thing such as a splinter you FEAR will turn into RSD and you HOPE that it doesn’t.
For now, while I sit here in silence, listening to ghosts screams of my daughter begging me to make the pain go away, I am thankful that this day has come. I am thankful that I am listening to screams that were once there, I fear that they will return and I hope they don’t. I am hopeful that the nightmares of screams and images I am constantly haunted with will be replaced by laughter and smiles.
Does your child have a chronic pain condition and experiencing a Mother’s fear? Please leave us a comment in the section below.